By Sebastian Voskericyan
The Canterbury School is an elite preparatory boarding school in New Milford, Connecticut. The academic program is outstanding, the athletic program is dominating, the arts program is inspiring, and the culture is beyond superb. The students at Canterbury never seem to complain about anything, and campus life has stayed relatively straightforward and quiet, but one day that came to an end.
Mrs. Ramee, the student life administrative assistant, checked the attendance and noticed that zero percent of students attended class in Old School House, an old academic building on campus that’s falling apart. Mrs. Ramee reported this horrific attendance sheet to Mr. LaVigne, assistant Head of School, who, outraged, stormed out of his office only to find a scene he could not believe. A group of protesting students chanted on top of the stairs leading down to Old School House, “NO MORE STAIRS! WE WANT AN ESCALATOR!” Mr. LaVigne later said in an interview regarding the protest that “the students must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because for years no one has complained about these beautiful stairs.” Why were the students protesting for an escalator?
Luckily, one of our field journalists answered our question after talking with the protest leader, Alastair Ostrowski, A.K.A. Stairs. The leader tells us, “Well, it’s obvious why we are protesting for an escalator; it’s simply because our legs are too tired after the excruciating practices. Walking up and down these normal stairs kills us every day, so why not make our lives easier and install an escalator. Escalators are futuristic versions of stairs, and since Canterbury always talks about innovation, this installation makes perfect sense.” The man makes an interesting point about these stairs; I mean, fellow students call him Stairs for a reason. So, how is the school responding to this chaotic event?
Mrs. Stone, the headmistress of Canterbury School, has taken immediate action regarding this “stair” problem by delivering a concrete speech to the whole school. Sadly, we weren’t allowed into the auditorium, so a detailed script of her speech isn’t available, but we can tell her address was effective. The students ran out of the auditorium with enormous smiles and thunderous cheers as if a war had just ended. Surprisingly, Mrs. Stone came to an agreement with the students that the escalator would be installed, but Saturday classes are officially back for the rest of the year. Do you think this is a reasonable agreement, or were the students at Canterbury tricked into falling into the most obvious traps of them all, more school?
The OSH Overseer 